beautiful coercion

the less favored speaks

I found myself lurking in the same dark and empty shade of loneliness and irritation. It’s nothing new actually. Sometimes, I considered isolation as a means of temporarily escaping reality. Out of the darkness, a speck of light appeared and it fascinated me. Where could this come from? I came close just to find out that the glow came from my nails (all thanks to my cousin’s glow-in-the-dark nail polish). To and fro, I watched my hands glow and realized something. Something positive can exist from darkness just as how I appreciated the slightest light which came from my nails when all of a sudden it…vanished.

Someone opened the door and lighted the room. My brothers went inside to get some stuff and entered with their usual nonsense conversations. Geez! Why do they have to end my happy and fascinating moments? I asked myself the same question for like, seventeen years now. Oh, I guess you haven’t met my younger brothers who get all the attention at home. They’re everything my parents wanted or that’s how I see it. My parents are very supportive to the point of bringing to school things which my brothers left at home and spending money for extra expenses their school requires while I have to save money to buy the stuffs I want. One time, they told me that once I finish college and land on a job, I’ll be financially responsible of sending my brothers to school. Where’s equality here? I have been struggling to gratify my wants to no avail and now, they’re putting the world’s weight on my shoulders. Is the fault on me because I don’t always vocally request something from them or are they just too insensitive to know my needs and wants?

For seventeen years, I have tried my best to excel in school just to win my parent’s appreciation, attention, praise and favor but my efforts were in vain. I even came to a point where I went to school for the sake of going. In that way, there was less frustration and more time to hang out with friends. This happened because of an instance wherein I wasn’t able to download a software that should’ve help me with an upcoming major exam just because my father told my brother to stop what I was downloading. So, I didn’t study and failed the test. That was just one of the many discouraging experiences I had at home. What’s even discouraging is the fact that they don’t know that what they’re doing is disheartening me. Total insensitivity as I may say. Three more years in college and I can’t imagine the myriads of deterrent I’ll be facing. God, would you please edit the plot you have for my life story?

I find it illogical when parents wonder why their kids build a barrier against them when in fact, they were factors of why we, the less favored, distance from them. About the hatred I have against my brothers, I guess I can’t do anything about it. Reality check, I’m stuck with them for the rest of my life.